JULY 16, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Kremlin Corruption with 'Putin's People'. Impact: This book is the reason why Putin's next birthday party will feature an actual czar and an oligarch karaoke competition. Talk about a cultural renaissance!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than Putin's ego is his list of friends with questionable moral compasses?.
• Headline: Surge in Death Planning Services. Impact: Thanks to pandemic fears, people are now scheduling their funerals like they schedule their haircuts. Just wait until 'death planning' becomes a TikTok trend.. Fact: Fun fact: 'final tweet' services are the new way to leave your hot takes on the world, even after you're gone. #LifesABittersweet.
• Headline: N.Y.P.D. Response to Rising Shootings. Impact: As shootings rise and the NYPD pulls back, we're just one step away from a reality show called 'Cops: Now with Less Accountability'.. Fact: Did you know that 'stretched thin' is just a euphemism for 'we'd rather be in a Netflix binge-watching contest'?.
• Headline: In Coronavirus Vaccine Race, China Strays From the Official Paths. Impact: China's vaccine strategy might inspire future films about rogue scientists and corporate espionage, starring The Rock and a CGI panda.. Fact: Did you know that Beijing's approach to vaccines is basically the equivalent of 'finders keepers' in the global healthcare game?.
• Headline: Russia Is Trying to Steal Virus Vaccine Data, Western Nations Say. Impact: If Russia succeeds in stealing vaccine data, we might see a new Olympic event: 'Cyber Heist in the Name of Public Health'.. Fact: Fun fact: Hackers are the only group that can claim they’re 'just doing their job' while simultaneously causing global panic. Talk about multitasking!.