JULY 13, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fracking Companies Face Bankruptcy Crisis. Impact: When fracking firms started rewarding their executives while failing spectacularly, it set off a chain reaction: taxpayers eventually became the unwitting investors in a poorly run reality show called 'Who Wants to Clean Up a Mess?'. Spoiler alert: It’s a disaster.. Fact: In a surprising twist, fracking might not have been the best idea since sliced bread, especially considering that bread doesn’t leak toxic pollutants into your drinking water..
• Headline: Racism Issues Persist at ESPN. Impact: ESPN’s internal battles over diversity are like a sports team struggling to score points—no offense, but it’s a mess. This will likely lead to the creation of an 'ESPN Diversity League' where the only rule is to just try harder, whatever that means.. Fact: The only thing more shocking than the lack of diversity at ESPN is the fact that they still can't figure out how to properly air a game without three hours of pregame commentary..
• Headline: Bottleneck for U.S. Coronavirus Response: The Fax Machine. Impact: The U.S. pandemic response being bottlenecked by fax machines is the perfect metaphor for 2020: technology from the 1980s is fighting a virus from the 21st century. This will lead future historians to wonder how we survived the apocalypse with a device that’s literally outdated.. Fact: The fax machine is the only device that has survived multiple technological revolutions, which is ironic considering it’s now the reason we’re all still stuck in a pandemic time loop..