JULY 6, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Can Cam Newton Reclaim His M.V.P. Glory?. Impact: Cam Newton's comeback could inspire a whole new wave of retired athletes attempting to return to their prime, leading to a bizarre future where every sports channel is filled with grandmas playing dodgeball in an effort to reclaim their glory days. Who knew a former MVP could spark a new trend of geriatric sports leagues?. Fact: If Cam Newton does manage to revive his career, we might end up with a superhero film called 'The Last MVP' featuring him saving his team from the clutches of mediocrity. Spoiler: he flies!.
• Headline: As the Virus Surged, Florida Partied. Tracking the Revelers Has Been Tough.. Impact: Florida's party scene during a pandemic could lead to a historical precedent where revelry is celebrated as a form of civil disobedience. Someday, history books will feature a chapter titled 'The Great COVID Rave of 2020' – a legacy of carefree defiance that might inspire future generations to party like there's a virus out there.. Fact: If only Florida had invented a social distancing dance move instead of an endless parade of parties, they might have actually set the trend for a new kind of viral sensation – and no, not the COVID kind..
• Headline: Our Cash-Free Future Is Getting Closer. Impact: The push towards a cashless society could eventually lead to a dystopian future where people barter with their social media likes instead of coins, creating a world where influencers control the economy. You might find yourself trading your last avocado toast for a single like on Instagram.. Fact: The irony of a cashless future is that people will still be broke, just with less change in their pockets to jingle while they walk. Progress!.