JULY 4, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Nature Beyond the Screen. Impact: If kids had run away from their screens, we might have seen a sudden spike in outdoor activities, leading to a nationwide resurgence of tree-climbing injuries and a massive uptick in dirt sales for backyard adventures. Who knew nature was such a liability?. Fact: Did you know that before the pandemic, kids actually had to meet face-to-face to communicate? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Republican Convention's Economic Fallout. Impact: The financial chaos of the convention led to the creation of an underground economy of 'convention-pod' parties, where people tried to recreate the experience in their basements. Little did they know, this would spark a new trend in basement karaoke and overpriced pizza.. Fact: Fun fact: Donating to political events is just like flushing money down the toilet, but with more confetti!.
• Headline: Innovative Theater Solutions During Pandemic. Impact: The creative adaptations in theater led to a booming market for car-windshield-sized snacks and a rise in the popularity of 'drive-in' everything, from movies to diners. Soon, we’ll see drive-in dentist appointments – just don’t forget to roll down the window!. Fact: Did you know that the first drive-in theater opened in 1933? They clearly didn’t anticipate the need for social distancing... or snack overindulgence!.
• Headline: In West Texas, Lingering Distrust in Public Health Measures as Virus Spreads. Impact: The distrust in public health measures led to a series of homegrown 'health experts' emerging from the woodwork, leading to a wild, unsanctioned health trend based on Texan folklore. Next thing you know, everyone’s sipping on 'magic' cactus juice.. Fact: Isn't it fascinating that people trust social media influencers over actual doctors? Must be that charming personality that sells the snake oil!.
• Headline: As Coronavirus Slams Houston Hospitals, It’s Like New York ‘All Over Again’. Impact: The struggles in Houston hospitals led to a nationwide panic about healthcare, causing a bizarre trend of people hoarding not just toilet paper, but also hospital gowns. Who knew fashion could be so hazardous?. Fact: Did you know that in times of crisis, some people’s idea of preparation is just hoarding? Apparently, they think they’re setting up their own personal 'survival of the fittest' reality show!.