JULY 3, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Alden Global Capital Joins Tribune Board. Impact: Alden Global Capital's takeover of Tribune Publishing sowed distrust in media, leading to a future where conspiracy theories flourish unchecked and every tweet is treated as breaking news. Thanks, hedge funds! We really needed more misinformation.. Fact: Did you know that hedge funds are like the ninjas of finance? You never see them coming until they’re stealing your job and your coffee budget!.
• Headline: Professors Challenge Return to Campus. Impact: The revolt of professors sparked an academic uprising that eventually led to the rise of online courses taught by cats. Now, 'Feline Philosophy' is a respected discipline.. Fact: Fun fact: Professors are just like students but with less fun and more existential dread. Who knew they could revolt too?.
• Headline: The Rise of #Vanlife Entrepreneurs. Impact: The #Vanlife craze turned into a full-blown lifestyle movement, leading to a future where everyone thinks they can become an influencer by simply living in a van and posting pictures of their avocado toast. Spoiler: It didn’t work out for most.. Fact: Did you know that living in a van down by the river is no longer a sad cliche but a lifestyle choice? Just wait until the 'Vanlife Academy' opens!.
• Headline: The Shaman of Instagram. Impact: Durek Verrett's rise as the 'Shaman of Instagram' paved the way for a future where everyone claims to be a healer, leading to a global shortage of actual medicine. ‘Just rub some crystals on it’ became the new medical advice.. Fact: Did you know that spiritual healing is just a fancy term for making people feel better while charging them for the privilege? Sounds like a great deal, right?.
• Headline: Symone Sanders Bet on Biden, and Herself. Impact: Symone Sanders' bold gamble on Biden not only reshaped her career but also inspired a wave of political bets, where everyone started putting money on their favorite candidates like it was the Super Bowl. Spoiler alert: The odds are never in your favor.. Fact: Did you know that betting on politicians is the new fantasy sports? Now you can lose money for your favorite candidate, instead of just your favorite team!.