JUNE 25, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: COVID-19 Cases Hit Record Highs Nationwide. Impact: The pandemic panic led to the invention of the home workout video, which, in turn, caused a spike in yoga mat sales and an unfortunate increase in the number of people trying to do the downward dog in their living rooms.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'social distancing' was once reserved for awkward family gatherings? Now it's a lifestyle..
• Headline: Barr's Influence on Google Antitrust Case. Impact: This sudden interest in tech antitrust led to an explosion of memes about government intervention, which ultimately resulted in a surge in online humor about capitalism that would make even Marx chuckle.. Fact: Did you know that Google once considered renaming itself 'Goggle' to better reflect the expression of confusion people feel when trying to navigate their search results?.
• Headline: America's Summer of Quarancheat Concerns. Impact: This headline sparked a nationwide debate on trust, leading to the invention of the 'relationship GPS' that tracks your partner's every move—because who needs privacy when you have paranoia?. Fact: Did you know that 'quarancheat' was almost a dance move before it became a relationship crisis? Imagine the TikTok videos!.
• Headline: In Poll, Trump Falls Far Behind Biden in Six Key Battleground States. Impact: This polling news triggered a massive uptick in the sale of binoculars, as people scrambled to find out where their political views had gone wrong—because clearly, seeing the truth is a lost art.. Fact: Did you know that political campaigns are basically just long-winded episodes of a reality show? Tune in next week for more drama!.
• Headline: Bail Funds, Flush With Cash, Learn to ‘Grind Through This Horrible Process’. Impact: The influx of cash into bail funds sparked a nationwide trend of 'fundraising parties,' where people raised money for causes while pretending to enjoy each other's company. Spoiler: they didn't.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'grind through this horrible process' is now a popular motto for both bail funds and Monday mornings?.