JUNE 7, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lawyers Charged in Police Attack Controversy. Impact: This attack sparked a wave of 'lawyers gone rogue' memes, leading to a nationwide trend of people wondering if they should become lawyers just to throw cocktails at things. Next thing you know, we’ll have a cocktail lounge dedicated to legal disputes.. Fact: Did you know that Molotov cocktails are named after a Soviet diplomat? Talk about mixing politics and cocktails! The original recipe probably came with a side of bureaucracy..
• Headline: New York City Reopens After Crisis. Impact: The reopening led to a massive influx of people claiming they 'just need one more brunch' every weekend, resulting in a brunch shortage that has echoed through time, leading to the invention of the 24-hour brunch café by 2030.. Fact: When NYC reopened, it was like a kid being told they can finally leave their room after two hours of timeout. Everyone rushed out, but the real question is: did they even learn anything?.
• Headline: Naeem's Journey: From Spank Rock to Self-Expression. Impact: Naeem's return was the catalyst for a new genre: 'Self-Identity Rap,' inspiring countless artists to drop their stage names in favor of their birth certificates. By 2025, we’ll all be listening to the soulful musings of 'John Smith.'. Fact: Fun fact: 'Spank Rock' was originally just a suggestion from his kindergarten teacher to encourage him to behave. Guess she didn't see the potential for a music career!.
• Headline: Farmers Get Billions in Virus Aid, and Democrats Are Wary. Impact: This aid not only saved farms but also inadvertently created an underground network of farmers plotting to throw the ultimate harvest festival, which will be remembered as the year crops became sentient and demanded better pay.. Fact: Farmers getting subsidies is like giving candy to a kid on a sugar high; you know it's not going to end well, but you can't help but watch the chaos unfold..