JUNE 6, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pandemic Job Losses Among Minority Workers. Impact: As minority workers faced economic hardships, the demand for social justice movements soared. This led to the creation of a new superhero—'The Advocate'—whose powers include endless paperwork and a phone that only connects to the right senators.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'essential workers' now includes delivery drivers who bring snacks while we binge-watch 'that show'? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Epic Demand Collapse in the Economy. Impact: The collapse of demand in the economy triggered a series of unfortunate events, including the emergence of a new breed of 'influencer' specializing in sad memes about financial ruin. They now dominate social media with hashtags like #BrokeButWoke.. Fact: Fun fact: Economists have a secret club where they meet to discuss how they could've prevented this mess but ultimately just drink coffee and stare at charts instead..
• Headline: Corporate America and Black America's Struggles. Impact: Corporate America's failure to support Black America ignited social movements that led to a new wave of corporate responsibility. Spoiler alert: They still haven’t figured out how to pay their interns fairly.. Fact: Did you know that 'diversity training' now includes a section on how not to accidentally hire your cousin? Progress!.
• Headline: Coronavirus Depletes the Keepers of Europe’s Memory. Impact: As the keepers of Europe's history disappear, a new generation of 'history re-writers' began crafting alternate facts, leading to an alternate universe where Napoleon lost to a giant, sentient cheese wheel. History class is about to get weird.. Fact: Did you know that history is just a series of really bad decisions documented by people who thought they were right? So, basically, Twitter..
• Headline: Is the Party Over on Fire Island?. Impact: As Fire Island's party scene dwindled, local businesses pivoted to selling artisanal hand sanitizer, transforming the Pines into a haven for both social distancing and overpriced soap.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more dramatic than a closed gay club is the reunion episode of a reality show. And we all know how that ends..