JUNE 3, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Instagram's Blackout Tuesday Explained. Impact: When Instagram went dark, a butterfly flapped its wings, causing influencers to panic and revert to their pre-Instagram selves, thus rediscovering hobbies like reading books and knitting. Who knew the next Hemingway would be a beauty influencer?. Fact: The only time people preferred silence over endless selfies was during this 'dark' period. Shocking, right?.
• Headline: Trump’s Controversial Lafayette Square Photo Op. Impact: Trump’s photo op chaos set off a chain reaction where every subsequent president felt the need to one-up the spectacle, leading to future leaders taking selfies with Bigfoot or doing TikTok dances with Nobel laureates. History's a real circus, folks!. Fact: If you look closely, you can see the exact moment when dignity left the building—right around the time someone suggested a photo op with a Bible..
• Headline: C.D.C. Struggles During Coronavirus Crisis. Impact: The C.D.C.'s blunders during the pandemic transformed it from a health agency to a cautionary tale, inspiring future bureaucrats to consider 'How Not to Handle a Crisis' as a new degree program. Degrees in confusion coming soon!. Fact: Fun fact: The C.D.C. was secretly waiting for a moment like this, just to see how low they could go on the credibility scale. Spoiler alert: They crushed it!.
• Headline: Why China May Call the World’s Bluff on Hong Kong. Impact: China's bold moves in Hong Kong opened the floodgates for international relations to become a bizarre game of chicken, with world leaders practicing their best poker faces while sweating profusely. The stakes? Who can look the least concerned about human rights!. Fact: In a shocking twist, world leaders found out that calling each other’s bluffs was more fun than actually doing something. Who knew procrastination was a global sport?.