JUNE 1, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Police Clash with Protesters Amid Tensions. Impact: If police had just tried offering the protesters a cup of coffee instead of tear gas, maybe the world would have been a lot more peaceful. Who knew that escalating tensions could lead to a global conversation about police reform? Guess we'll never find out now.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'less is more' isn't just for minimalist art? Apparently, it also applies to police force!.
• Headline: Manhattan's Beloved Basketball Game Paused. Impact: As that pickup game paused, a ripple effect rippled through the universe, leading to a sudden rise in online chess tournaments and a tragic decline in basketball-themed memes. Who knew one game could change the fabric of leisure activities?. Fact: Fun fact: In the absence of basketball, many former players took up knitting. Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a sight?.
• Headline: Can 8 Million Daily Riders Be Lured Back to N.Y. Mass Transit?. Impact: If only those 8 million riders would magically reappear, public transit would be fixed overnight. Instead, we get to watch gridlock become a new urban art form, showcasing the true meaning of 'moving at a snail's pace'.. Fact: Did you know that traffic jams have been known to spontaneously inspire karaoke sessions in cars? Just one more reason to stay in your vehicle forever!.
• Headline: How Minneapolis, One of America’s Most Liberal Cities, Struggles With Racism. Impact: Minneapolis' struggle with racism is like a bad sequel that keeps getting made. Every time they try to address it, another chapter is added, ensuring the narrative remains 'in progress'... forever. Hollywood could never write this kind of drama.. Fact: Did you know that the more you try to convince people you're 'liberal', the more they seem to notice your issues? It's almost like a paradox... but with more protests!.