MAY 22, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biden-Warren Ticket: Contrasting Democrats. Impact: If Biden and Warren had teamed up, the 2020 election might have turned into America's most awkward family reunion, leading to a reality show called 'The Political Pairing'. Because nothing screams democracy like watching two people argue about veganism versus traditional grilling over a campfire of political debates. Fact: Did you know that in an alternate universe, Biden and Warren are actually a power duo in a buddy cop movie? Spoiler alert: they catch the bad guys with the power of progressive policies and dad jokes.
• Headline: Beach Towns Tell NYC: Stay Away. Impact: If NYC residents had actually listened to the beach towns, it's possible that a mass migration would have occurred, leading to a new trend of 'urban beaching' where New Yorkers set up sandboxes in their apartments. Sand in your coffee table? Just part of the vibe. Fact: Did you know that ‘Go Away’ is the official slogan for several beach towns? It’s also the unofficial motto of many New Yorkers during rush hour.
• Headline: Transforming Backyards into Summer Getaways. Impact: As homeowners turned their backyards into mini-resorts, this sparked a nationwide trend of 'backyard envy', leading to the first-ever reality competition show 'Backyard Wars', where neighbors compete for the most ridiculous outdoor features. Fact: Did you know that the average American now spends more time perfecting their backyard than they do in actual vacation planning? Who needs the Caribbean when you have a kiddie pool and a questionable inflatable flamingo?.
• Headline: What Happened to the Great American Logistics Machine?. Impact: The decline of the Great American Logistics Machine led to a series of unfortunate events, including the rise of backyard deliveries by drones, which in turn resulted in a new form of exercise known as 'dodge the flying packages'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more unpredictable than American supply chains is the number of times your neighbor's dog will bark at the delivery drone? Spoiler: It's a lot.
• Headline: The U.S. Is Getting Shorter, as Mapmakers Race to Keep Up. Impact: As mapmakers scrambled to adjust, the confusion led to people questioning if they’d actually been living in the wrong part of the country all along, resulting in spontaneous road trips to find the 'real' America. Fact: Did you know that by 2025, the U.S. might be so short that we’ll have to start making our national anthem fit in a text message? 'Oh say can you see... (text limit reached)'.