MAY 18, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: SoftBank Faces Major Financial Challenges. Impact: If SoftBank hadn't faced these record losses, it's possible we would have a world where everyone is investing in tech startups that don't actually exist. Imagine a parallel universe with millions of people buying shares in invisible companies. Thanks, SoftBank, for keeping reality in check.. Fact: SoftBank's crisis is reminiscent of a bad breakup: all the signs were there, but no one wanted to admit it until the bills came due..
• Headline: Soccer in Empty Arenas: A New Reality. Impact: The empty stadiums of Germany could have led to a global trend of 'silent sports,' where fans communicate their cheers through interpretative dance instead of loud chants. Who knows, maybe the next World Cup will feature a ballet competition.. Fact: Fans cheering from home is just like every other day for introverted couch potatoes—finally, they can be part of the action without having to wear pants..
• Headline: Freed by Court Ruling, Republicans Step Up Effort to Patrol Voting. Impact: The effort to patrol voting could lead to a dystopian future where every citizen is watched more closely than a celebrity on social media. Who needs privacy when you can have democracy with extra surveillance?. Fact: Recruiting 50,000 poll watchers sounds impressive until you realize that's just about the same number of people who couldn't find the last season of their favorite show on Netflix..
• Headline: Moderna Coronavirus Vaccine Trial Shows Promising Early Results. Impact: If Moderna's vaccine trial had flopped, we might have been forced to invent new social activities like 'Stare at Each Other From Six Feet Away' or 'Virtual Hugging'. Instead, we may just have a future filled with actual hugs.. Fact: Moderna's vaccine trial results were so promising, they had to remind volunteers that the trial was not a competition for who can handle the most needles without crying..