MAY 1, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Parks and Recreation Reunion Special. Impact: When the gang from 'Parks and Recreation' reunited, they accidentally revitalized the entire concept of community in America. All it took was a few goofy lines and suddenly, everyone started baking sourdough bread and forming neighborhood watch groups. Thanks, Pawnee!. Fact: Did you know that in the alternate timeline, Leslie Knope actually ran for president and won? Now we all have to live with the reality of a world where waffles are mandatory breakfast!.
• Headline: Biden Responds to Assault Allegation. Impact: Biden's denial of Tara Reade's allegations triggered a series of events that led to a documentary series on political scandals, which ironically made everyone more interested in the actual scandals instead of the denials. Spoiler: it didn't end well for anyone involved.. Fact: Did you know that political denials have a 99% chance of becoming memes? If only Biden's denial had a catchy hashtag, we might have avoided the whole thing!.
• Headline: Permian Basin's Oil Boom to Bust. Impact: The Permian Basin's shift from oil boom to decline caused a nationwide identity crisis among oil tycoons. Many of them took up knitting, mistakenly believing it would be the next big investment. Spoiler alert: it wasn't.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more volatile than the oil market is the mood of an oil tycoon at a knitting circle? Just imagine the drama!.
• Headline: A Life and Death Battle: 4 Days of Kidney Failure but No Dialysis. Impact: The battle of kidney failure during the pandemic highlighted the fragility of healthcare systems, causing a butterfly effect that resulted in every person suddenly becoming a healthcare expert. Now, everyone knows how to pronounce 'nephrology'... but still can't find their own kidneys.. Fact: Did you know that during the peak of the pandemic, people were Googling 'how to fix kidneys' more than they were searching for 'how to fix their Wi-Fi'? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: How De Niro Gave Us Sinatra’s ‘New York, New York,’ Our 7 P.M. Anthem. Impact: De Niro's influence on Sinatra's 'New York, New York' inadvertently inspired a wave of terrible karaoke performances across dive bars everywhere. It turns out, not everyone can hit that high note - but they sure try!. Fact: Did you know that 'New York, New York' has been responsible for more broken friendships than any other song? It's true; one off-key note can end a lifelong bond!.