APRIL 11, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Critical Economic Reopening Decision. Impact: Trump's indecision over reopening became legendary, leading to countless memes and a rise in Zoom meetings. Little did he know, his struggle would inspire a generation of procrastinators to embrace the art of delay.. Fact: Did you know that 'biggest decision' is often code for 'let's see how this plays out on social media first'?.
• Headline: Biden and Cuomo: Political Alliance Shift. Impact: The breakup of Biden and Cuomo's friendship set off a chain reaction of political alliances, leading to a future where politicians start using Tinder to find their perfect running mates.. Fact: Fun fact: friendships in politics are like New York pizza—you never really know what's in it, but you hope it's not too cheesy..
• Headline: Tragedy Strikes N.Y. Nursing Homes. Impact: The tragic loss in nursing homes sparked a nationwide conversation about elder care, leading to a future where everyone suddenly becomes an expert on gerontology—because nothing says 'I care' like Googling it.. Fact: Did you know that nursing homes are not supposed to be death traps? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: ‘You Could Lick the Benches’: Life for the First Wave of U.S. Survivors. Impact: The first wave of survivors licking benches would eventually lead to a new trend in extreme sports: 'Bench Licking' becomes an Olympic event, because why not?. Fact: Did you know that bench licking is not covered under most health insurance plans? Who would’ve thought?.
• Headline: As They Console Coronavirus’s Victims, Italy’s Priests Are Dying, Too. Impact: The sacrifice of priests in Italy became a symbol of moral duty, inspiring a global movement of appreciation for frontline workers, which eventually led to a yearly 'Thank Your Local Hero' day—because giving them a shoutout on social media is totally the same as giving them a raise.. Fact: Fun fact: Priests and nuns were not included in 'essential worker' discussions until they started showing up with holy water and hand sanitizer..