MARCH 8, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sanders' Michigan Victory in 2016 Analysis. Impact: If Bernie had won Michigan, it might have sparked a chain reaction where more candidates started channeling their inner 'grumpy uncle' to attract disillusioned voters. We could have been voting for a 'Sanders-2020-Redux' with an army of hipsters who only drink fair-trade kale smoothies.. Fact: Did you know that if you put Bernie Sanders in front of a room full of millennials, at least three of them will ask if he accepts Venmo for donations?.
• Headline: Diamond Princess: A Covid Crisis at Sea. Impact: The failures of the Diamond Princess led to such scrutiny of cruise ships that eventually they had to install more hand sanitizer dispensers than slots for cocktail drinks. Who knew washing your hands could be the new luxury aboard a floating hotel?. Fact: Fun fact: The Diamond Princess was the first cruise ship to offer a 'COVID-19 Special,' complete with quarantine-themed bingo nights and 'catch the virus' scavenger hunts..
• Headline: Where Mermaids Play, a Nasty Water Fight. Impact: Nestlé's water fight could lead to a world where environmentalists become the new superheroes, fighting corporate villains armed with nothing but reusable water bottles and Instagram hashtags. Forget the Avengers; it's the Eco-Warriors we need!. Fact: Did you know that if you drink Nestlé water while arguing with an environmentalist, it counts as a double whammy of irony? You might as well sip from a plastic straw while you're at it..
• Headline: What José Parlá, JR and Kunle Martins Learned from Graffiti. Impact: The exploration of graffiti in art galleries might cause future generations to view spray paint as the new Picasso, leading to a world where every alleyway is a museum and every tagger is a misunderstood genius. Future kids will be arguing over the symbolism of 'toilet humor' in the art world.. Fact: Did you know that graffiti artists have a secret society where they argue about which spray paint brand is the true 'sustainable choice'? Spoiler alert: it's always the one with the best marketing..