MARCH 2, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: The New York Times' Impact on Journalism. Impact: The New York Times becoming a digital behemoth is like the moment a small fish becomes a shark. Suddenly, all the other fish are either fleeing or getting gobbled up. In the future, this event leads to the rise of increasingly bizarre niche publications, like 'Cats Who Code' and 'The Philosophy of Sandwiches.'. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will still argue about whether a tweet counts as journalism? Spoiler: it does not..
• Headline: China's Color Code System in Pandemic Response. Impact: China's color-coded system for citizens leads to the invention of the 'Social Control Olympics' in 2045, where people compete for the highest social credit score by posting the most boring, compliance-driven selfies.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, wearing a red shirt at the wrong time could get you a visit from the 'Social Control Squad'? Fashion police take on a whole new meaning..
• Headline: Biden vs. Sanders: Super Tuesday Showdown. Impact: Buttigieg's exit creates a butterfly effect that leads to a bizarre reality where all future Democratic primaries are decided by interpretive dance-offs, making politics just a little more entertaining.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, we will be nostalgic for debates where candidates actually spoke instead of just juggle their policies?.
• Headline: 2nd Death Near Seattle Adds to Signs Virus Is Spreading in U.S.. Impact: The deaths near Seattle become a pivotal moment in the history of public health, leading to an annual event known as 'Panic Day,' where people celebrate their survival by hoarding toilet paper.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will look back at 2020 and think, 'Why didn’t I invest in hand sanitizer stocks?'.
• Headline: At Arizona, Truth Without the Consequences. Impact: The interview with Coach Sean Miller leads to a groundbreaking revelation in sports journalism: if you ask the right questions, you might just get a headline that sells more than the game itself. Welcome to the era of 'Questionable Sports Journalism.'. Fact: Did you know that in the future, sports interviews will be more scripted than reality TV? Expect the dramatic confessionals..