MARCH 1, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Suburban Women's Concerns About Sanders. Impact: The apprehension of suburban women towards Bernie Sanders sparked a nationwide ‘How to Vote’ seminar series, which eventually evolved into a reality show where contestants had to navigate political debates while preparing kale smoothies. Spoiler: nobody won.. Fact: Fun fact: the suburbs were originally designed for people who wanted to escape the chaos of urban life. Little did they know, they would just end up debating it over organic wine..
• Headline: U.S. Withdrawal from Afghanistan Begins. Impact: The U.S. military's exit plan opened the door for a new reality TV show titled 'Who Wants to be a Taliban Ally?' where contestants compete to win the favor of old foes while trying not to trip over their own foreign policy blunders.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. has been involved in Afghanistan for so long that some soldiers are eligible for a senior citizen discount on their next deployment?.
• Headline: The Met Opera’s ‘Dutchman’ Sails Into Port With a New Star. Impact: The success of the new star at the Met Opera led to a bizarre phenomenon where opera became the new 'cool' thing, resulting in a sudden shortage of tuxedos and a spike in mustache grooming kits for hipsters.. Fact: Did you know that Wagner was so obsessed with German mythology that he once tried to convince a dragon to star in one of his operas? Spoiler alert: the dragon didn’t show up..
• Headline: Milken Had Key Allies in Pardon Bid: Trump’s Inner Circle. Impact: The pardon attempt by Milken sent shockwaves through the stock market, leading to the invention of 'Greed Week' where investors celebrate corruption with themed parties and questionable investments—because why not?. Fact: Fun fact: Michael Milken is often referred to as the 'Junk Bond King.' How ironic that his allies thought he could be pardoned with a mere royal decree..