FEBRUARY 1, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Republicans Block Impeachment Witnesses. Impact: By blocking impeachment witnesses, Republicans not only paved the way for Trump's acquittal but also set off a chain reaction of political meme creation that still haunts social media to this day. The butterfly flapped its wings, and now we have an entire generation of TikTok creators dedicated to political satire.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'impeachment' comes from the Latin 'impeditus,' meaning 'to stop'? Ironically, it seems like the only thing being stopped here is any semblance of accountability..
• Headline: Senate Republicans' Shift Toward Trump Support. Impact: Senate Republicans aligning with Trump was like a group of lemmings deciding to take a synchronized leap off a cliff—only this time, they brought the entire party along for the ride, forever altering the GOP's identity and pushing it deeper into the rabbit hole of partisanship.. Fact: Fun fact: Lemmings are often misrepresented as suicidal. So, clearly, Senate Republicans are just taking a page from their playbook!.
• Headline: Independent Voters' Positive Economic Outlook. Impact: The economy improving for independent voters created a bizarre phenomenon where they suddenly felt empowered to vote based on... actual policies? This led to a ripple effect of confusion among party lines, resulting in a magical moment when both sides briefly tried to appeal to the middle ground. Spoiler alert: it didn't last long.. Fact: Consumer confidence is like a roller coaster—thrilling until you realize the operator is a toddler with a sugar rush. Buckle up!.
• Headline: Jay-Z Takes On the Super Bowl. Impact: Jay-Z's partnership with the NFL during the Super Bowl sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, leading to a new trend of celebrities trying to use their influence for social justice, while simultaneously selling overpriced merchandise. Who knew activism could be so profitable?. Fact: Did you know that Roc Nation was founded in 2008? Apparently, it was a simpler time when ‘social justice’ meant something more than just a catchy hashtag..
• Headline: What if Brexit Works?. Impact: The question of 'What if Brexit Works?' prompted an intense philosophical debate among politicians and economists that lasted for years, akin to asking if a cat can actually be trained to use a toilet. Spoiler: they can’t, and neither can any of the parties involved in Brexit.. Fact: Brexit is like that infamous breakup where one party dramatically leaves but then spends the next few years wondering if they made the right choice—while everyone else is just rolling their eyes..