JANUARY 31, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Potential Overhaul of NYC Property Tax System. Impact: If the tax system had been revamped, perhaps Central Park would have transformed into a trendy shopping district, leading to a massive influx of hipsters and overpriced lattes, forever altering the skyline of New York City. Who knew taxes could turn into artisanal coffee shops?. Fact: Did you know that the average New Yorker spends more time calculating their property tax than enjoying Central Park? It really is a shame that tranquility and taxes don’t mix..
• Headline: Democrats from Trump-Friendly States Consider Defection. Impact: The spotlight on Democrats from Trump-friendly states could have led to a bizarre alliance between the two parties, creating a new political party called 'The Unlikely Allies', where bipartisan karaoke nights became the norm—because nothing says unity like bad singing.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, 'defector' is just a fancy word for someone who saw the grass was greener on the other side? Spoiler: It's usually just more mud..
• Headline: ‘Medea’ Review: Rose Byrne and Bobby Cannavale, Torched by Love. Impact: If 'Medea' had been embraced as a romantic comedy instead of a tragic tale, we might have seen a new genre emerge: 'blood-soaked rom-coms,' leading to a wave of movies where love and vengeance waltz hand in hand—at least until the box office collapsed under its own absurdity.. Fact: Did you know that Simon Stone's version of Medea is like a Tinder date gone wrong? You think it’s going to be romantic, but someone ends up getting burned—literally..
• Headline: Britain’s Brexit Shrug: Let’s Just Get On With It. Impact: If Britain actually decided what sort of Brexit it wanted, it might have resulted in a Commonwealth theme park where visitors can experience the 'joy' of endless debates and tea breaks, thus attracting tourists just to watch political theater in real-time.. Fact: Did you know that Brexit debates were the UK’s version of reality TV? Except in this show, no one wins and everyone just keeps shouting at each other..