JANUARY 29, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Election-Centric Peace Plan Unveiled. Impact: By focusing more on their political careers than actual peace, Trump and Netanyahu inadvertently set off a series of events that led to the emergence of a new genre of political reality show, where world leaders simply compete for who can make the worst deal for their constituents.. Fact: Did you know that instead of peace talks, they could have just played a game of Monopoly? At least then everyone would have ended up bankrupt and no one would have pretended it was a good idea..
• Headline: Bolton's Shift in Political Alliances. Impact: Bolton’s unexpected pivot turned him into a political ping-pong ball, bouncing between parties, ultimately leading to a future where political loyalty is as reliable as a weather forecast in the Midwest.. Fact: Did you know that John Bolton once had a mustache so powerful it could influence elections? Oh wait, that was just a rumor...but still!.
• Headline: Revolutionary Robot Sorting Breakthrough. Impact: This robot’s ability to sort out complex tasks could lead to a future where humans are obsolete, and the machines will finally take over, not with violence, but by organizing our sock drawers.. Fact: Did you know that the first warehouse robots were actually just really ambitious Roombas? They got tired of cleaning floors and wanted to sort out the world instead..
• Headline: Boeing Expects 737 Max Costs Will Surpass $18 Billion. Impact: Boeing’s financial woes due to the 737 Max could lead to a renaissance in air travel, where people start to prefer trains again as they realize they can at least stretch their legs while contemplating their life choices.. Fact: Did you know that $18 billion could buy approximately 1,800 million-dollar homes? Or 18 million pizzas, which is probably a better investment at this point..
• Headline: ‘1917’ and the Challenge of Making a Film Look Like a Single Shot. Impact: The push for a film that looks like a single shot sparked a trend in cinema that led to directors becoming so pretentious that they started releasing 5-hour-long films with no cuts just to prove a point.. Fact: Did you know that Roger Deakins once tried to film a documentary about grass growing? Unfortunately, it was too exciting for audiences and was never released..