JANUARY 25, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Senators Remain Firm on Impeachment. Impact: Had those GOP Senators actually listened to the Democrats, they might have accidentally invented a new type of bipartisan friendship, which would have caused a time paradox where they defeat the concept of gridlock, leading to a utopia where politicians actually work together. Shocking, I know.. Fact: Fun fact: In the world of politics, ignoring arguments is considered an Olympic sport. The GOP has been training for years!.
• Headline: Democrats Accuse Trump of National Danger. Impact: By branding Trump a danger, Democrats may have inadvertently set off a chain reaction that leads to the creation of a new reality show 'Survivor: Impeachment Edition' where politicians are voted off the island based on their loyalty to the party.. Fact: Did you know that calling someone a 'danger' has been scientifically proven to increase their chances of becoming a meme? Thanks, Democrats!.
• Headline: Sanders Leads Ahead of Iowa Caucuses. Impact: If Sanders had not seized the lead, Iowa might have become the first state to hold a caucus with absolutely no excitement, leading to a nationwide epidemic of yawning and a 20% decrease in coffee sales. Way to avoid a caffeine crisis, Bernie!. Fact: Iowa is known for its corn, but if you ask Iowans, they'll tell you they produce more undecided voters than anything else. It’s a special skill!.
• Headline: Bowen Yang of ‘S.N.L.’ Is a Smash. And a Mensch.. Impact: Bowen Yang's success could spark a revolution where all SNL cast members are required to have at least one interesting life story, ultimately leading to a new reality where politicians are replaced by comedians in every government position. Hilarity ensues.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Mensch' is Yiddish for a person of integrity and honor. So while Bowen is a smash, I’m still waiting for the mensch who can fix Congress!.