JANUARY 18, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Libya's Proxy War: Foreign Powers Seek Resolution. Impact: The chaotic aftermath of Libya's descent eventually leads to a global shortage of quality olive oil, as foreign powers scramble for non-existent resources, and the world is left with subpar pasta dishes forever.. Fact: Did you know that before descending into chaos, Libya was the richest country in Africa? Apparently, chaos doesn’t pay the bills, but it sure does make headlines..
• Headline: Privacy's Dystopian Future Unveiled. Impact: This company’s rise leads to the invention of the 'Privacy Blanket,' a new fashion trend where people walk around with blankets over their heads to avoid being recognized in public. It becomes the hottest look of 2025.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will stop using mirrors because they prefer their filtered social media selves? Thanks, privacy invasion!.
• Headline: Astros' Ascent and Abrupt Decline. Impact: The Astros' cheating scandal inspires a new genre of reality television where athletes are judged not just on their skills, but also on their ability to hide scandalous secrets. Ratings soar, but ethics plummet.. Fact: Fun fact: The Astros' scandal was so bad that even the scandalous behavior of politicians started to look good in comparison. What a time to be alive!.
• Headline: Impeachment Trial Puts Susan Collins, Stung by Kavanaugh Backlash, Under Scrutiny. Impact: The scrutiny on Collins creates a ripple effect where senators start wearing protective gear in sessions, leading to a new standard of ‘Senate Armor’ that includes helmets and knee pads.. Fact: Did you know that Susan Collins’ indecision is so epic that it could rival the plot twists of a soap opera? Tune in next week for more cliffhangers!.
• Headline: Harry and Meghan Give Up Royal Titles and Forgo State Funding. Impact: This decision ignites a trend among royals around the world to seek 'normalcy,' resulting in an unexpected rise in coffee shop barista jobs for ex-princes and princesses. Who knew barista training was the new royal etiquette?. Fact: Did you know that the last time a royal stepped away from titles, it involved a certain King Edward VIII and a woman named Wallis Simpson? Guess some things just never change!.