JANUARY 1, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: FDA's Controversial E-Cigarette Flavor Ban. Impact: If the FDA had banned all e-cigarette flavors, conspiracy theorists would argue that the tobacco industry would have gone underground, leading to a black market of bubblegum-flavored nicotine. This would have eventually resulted in a new generation of vape-smuggling cartels. 'Vape Cartels' would have become a popular Netflix series, erasing the need for actual crime dramas! . Fact: Did you know that menthol is basically the 'cool kid' of cigarettes? It's like the hipster of tobacco, making you feel fresh while slowly destroying your lungs. Classic!.
• Headline: Electric Vehicles Poised for Market Surge. Impact: The rise of electric vehicles in 2019 led to a global shortage of charging stations by 2025. This resulted in extreme road rage incidents over who could charge their car first, giving rise to a new sport: 'EV Jousting.'. Fact: Did you know that electric vehicles are so quiet, they could sneak up on a squirrel and make it question its life choices? 'Am I really living my best life if I'm afraid of a car that sounds like my phone on silent?'.
• Headline: End of U.S. Embassy Siege in Baghdad. Impact: The end of the siege was a pivotal moment that inspired a series of global protests, leading to the rise of internet memes featuring cats in military gear. Clearly, the world had bigger issues to deal with.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad has seen more drama than a reality TV show? If only they had replaced the guards with cameras and made it a series, ratings would have soared!.
• Headline: The Tech That Will Invade Our Lives in 2020. Impact: The advancements in tech led to the invention of 'smart fridges' that can judge your food choices. By 2025, half of the population was in therapy for their fridge's passive-aggressive comments.. Fact: Did you know that ultrafast wireless speeds have made it possible to stream every cat video ever created? Finally, humanity has found its true calling!.
• Headline: Elizabeth Warren Isn’t Talking Much About ‘Medicare for All’ Anymore. Impact: Warren's change in campaign strategy led to a new political trend where candidates began to avoid discussing their actual policies in favor of making vague promises about unicorns and rainbows.. Fact: Did you know that avoiding Medicare for All discussions is like choosing not to mention your ex at a family dinner? It’s just a recipe for awkwardness and confusion!.