DECEMBER 28, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Deadly Truck Bombing in Somalia. Impact: The bombing incident not only solidified Somalia's reputation as a hotspot for violence, but it also inadvertently inspired a future generation of reality TV stars who would capitalize on the chaos – welcome to 'Survivor: Mogadishu Edition'.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more explosive than a truck bomb in Somalia is the local gossip? The rumor mill runs faster than any vehicle in that capital..
• Headline: Children's Rights in Xinjiang Crisis. Impact: This crackdown on children not only led to a generation of children who can recite the Party's slogans by heart, but also to the rise of underground 'freedom schools' that hilariously teach the opposite – think Harry Potter meets The Communist Manifesto.. Fact: Fun fact: boarding schools in Xinjiang could have been a great venue for a new reality show, 'Survivor: Loyalty Edition', where the prize is just a little bit of freedom!.
• Headline: ‘Nothing Less Than a Civil War’: These White Voters on the Far Right See Doom Without Trump. Impact: The far-right white voters' doom prophecies without Trump led to one of the most dramatic political plot twists in history: they formed their own reality show, 'Keeping Up with the Klans', but ratings plummeted when no one wanted to watch.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing scarier than a civil war is the prospect of these voters trying to lead a book club? Spoiler: they only read one book – 'How to Complain Without Cause'..
• Headline: Science Under Attack: How Trump Is Sidelining Researchers and Their Work. Impact: Sidelining researchers has not only delayed scientific progress, but it also inspired a generation of conspiracy theorists who now believe that ‘science’ is just a cover for a secret squirrel society planning world domination.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more under attack than science during this administration was the concept of ‘common sense’? They really should have had a support group for that..