DECEMBER 19, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Review of Tom Hooper's 'Cats' Movie. Impact: The release of 'Cats' caused a rift in the space-time continuum, leading to an alternate reality where all movie adaptations of musicals feature anthropomorphic animals. Welcome to the age of 'Les Misérables: The Feline Edition.'. Fact: Did you know that somewhere in a parallel universe, 'Cats' won an Oscar for Best Picture? Or maybe that’s just where they keep all the bad decisions from Hollywood..
• Headline: Trump Fights Back After Impeachment Vote. Impact: This rally sparked a series of events that led to the invention of the 'Rally Towel'—a crucial item for those needing to wipe away the sweat of political anxiety. Who knew a towel would become so essential?. Fact: Did you know that political rallies are just like concerts, except the only thing you throw on stage is your dignity?.
• Headline: Impeachment Day: A Historical Turning Point. Impact: The chaos on Impeachment Day created a butterfly effect that resulted in future generations believing that political theatrics are a form of high art. Cue the performances of 'Impeachment: The Musical' in 2050.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'routine chaos' is actually a fancy way to say, 'We have no idea what's going on, but we’ll pretend we do'?.
• Headline: A President Impeached, and a Nation Convulsed. Impact: The impeachment of Trump sent shockwaves through history, inspiring a new genre of literature: 'Presidential Soap Operas.' Future historians will marvel at how democracy resembled a reality TV show.. Fact: Did you know that impeachment has been a popular pastime since the 18th century? It’s like the ultimate political game of 'hot potato,' except the potato is a presidency..
• Headline: How 2 Soviet Émigrés Fueled the Trump Impeachment Flames. Impact: This unlikely duo inadvertently set off a chain reaction that turned political fundraising into a competitive sport, complete with sponsorships and merchandise. 'I Got Your Impeachment Gear Right Here!' became the new slogan.. Fact: Did you know that in America, if you can't find a way to profit from a scandal, you're just not trying hard enough?.