DECEMBER 14, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Partisan Divisions in Impeachment Proceedings. Impact: As Congress bickered over impeachment, a butterfly flapped its wings in the Amazon rainforest, and suddenly everyone started using the word 'partisan' as if it were a trendy new hashtag. Fast forward a few decades, and we now have a political landscape where debates sound more like feuds on reality TV.. Fact: Did you know that the average time spent in an actual productive debate in Congress is about the same as the lifespan of a fruit fly? Yeah, they really know how to stretch out a conversation!.
• Headline: Sophia Hutchins Denies Dating Caitlyn Jenner. Impact: This headline sparked a social media frenzy, leading to an increase in marketing campaigns for relationship-themed reality shows. In an alternate timeline, we all live in a world where love is measured in Instagram likes.. Fact: Did you know that the Kardashians’ family tree is more complicated than a Rubik's Cube on a rollercoaster? Good luck keeping up with the relationships!.
• Headline: He Was One of Mexico’s Deadliest Assassins. Then He Turned on His Cartel.. Impact: In a shocking twist, the assassin’s decision to turn on his cartel led to a series of events that inadvertently inspired a new genre of action films – because nothing says 'Hollywood' like a redemption arc fueled by bullets.. Fact: Did you know that turning on your cartel is like changing the channel during a thrilling series finale? You might miss the best parts, or you could end up in a lot of trouble!.
• Headline: Clinton’s Impeachment Was Suspenseful. Trump’s Grip on G.O.P. Means His Won’t Be.. Impact: The political drama of the past set the stage for future generations to believe that reality TV was a legitimate form of governance. Soon, we might elect a president based on who can make the best TikTok dance.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more suspenseful than a soap opera is watching Congress try to act like they know how to govern? Spoiler alert: They usually don’t!.