DECEMBER 6, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pete Buttigieg at McKinsey & Company. Impact: Buttigieg’s time at McKinsey led to a secret recipe for political success that involved spreadsheets, charm, and a dash of corporate jargon. As a result, future politicians would forever be haunted by the phrase 'synergy'—and they still can’t find a way to get rid of it. Fact: Did you know that McKinsey consultants have a reputation for solving problems that don’t actually exist? It's like having a personal trainer who only works on your 'potential.'.
• Headline: Pelosi's Shift on Trump Impeachment Decision. Impact: Pelosi's shift from ‘no go’ to ‘no choice’ sparked a trend of political leaders suddenly discovering their ‘moral compass’ at the most opportune moments, leading to a nationwide shortage of compasses by 2022. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'no choice' is often used when someone realizes they have made a series of terrible decisions and is looking for an out. It’s like the political equivalent of 'I guess we’re having leftovers again.'.
• Headline: Revitalizing Jukebox Musicals Today. Impact: The success of 'Jagged Little Pill' led to a renaissance of 90s nostalgia, resulting in an avalanche of reboots, remakes, and a national obsession with flannel shirts that still hasn’t subsided. Fact: Did you know that Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Oughta Know’ was almost titled ‘You Maybe Should Know?’ It’s true! But then again, that doesn’t have the same punch, now does it?.
• Headline: U.S. Added 266,000 Jobs in November. Here’s the Bottom Line.. Impact: The job growth report caused a minor ripple effect, leading to an increase in coffee consumption among economists and a spike in the number of people pretending to understand labor statistics. Fact: Did you know that the Labor Department’s reports are like weather forecasts? Irrelevant until you’re hit with a storm of unemployment—then everyone suddenly cares.
• Headline: Accused of Killing a Gambino Mob Boss, He’s Presenting a Novel Defense. Impact: This case opened the floodgates for conspiracy theories in courtrooms, eventually leading to a world where juries start debating if aliens were involved in the crime—a development that lawyers still blame on the internet. Fact: In the legal world, ‘novel defense’ is often code for ‘I’m really grasping at straws here, folks.’ It’s like trying to defend your terrible haircut by claiming it’s a statement on personal freedom.