NOVEMBER 30, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democratic Debate Highlights Fighting Strategies. Impact: The candidates' escalating debates set the stage for a future where political arguments would be waged more like WWE wrestling matches, complete with dramatic entrances and theme music. Who knew the key to winning elections was to just throw a chair?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'debate' actually comes from the Latin 'debatere', which means to 'fight over'? Maybe they should just settle it in a boxing ring instead!.
• Headline: Epstein's Blackmail and The Hot List. Impact: The discovery of Epstein's 'hot list' ignited a frenzy among conspiracy theorists, leading to a future where people believe the very fabric of reality is woven by corrupt billionaires and shadowy figures. Next thing you know, everyone will be wearing tinfoil hats at brunch.. Fact: Did you know that 'blackmail' originally referred to the payments made to Scottish raiders to avoid being pillaged? Irony is a cruel mistress..
• Headline: Hunger Crisis in Venezuelan Schools. Impact: The plight of these Venezuelan students led to a global movement advocating for school lunches. Who knew that hunger could be the catalyst for a buffet of international aid? Now, future generations might just have their lunch served with a side of compassion.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'school lunch' is a euphemism for 'we'll feed you just enough to keep you awake while you learn about the wonders of algebra'?.
• Headline: Prime Mover: How Amazon Wove Itself Into the Life of an American City. Impact: Amazon's takeover of daily life has resulted in a future where people are more likely to order a pair of socks than to actually socialize. Who needs friends when you can have a Prime subscription, right?. Fact: Did you know that Amazon's original name was 'Cadabra'? They changed it when people kept hearing it as 'cadaver.' Maybe a fitting name for the death of local businesses?.
• Headline: Latin Dictionary’s Journey: A to Zythum in 125 Years (and Counting). Impact: The slow progress on the Latin Dictionary might have inadvertently led to the rise of memes as the new lingua franca. One day, the kids will be quoting 'Yeet' and 'Bruh' in Latin class, and the scholars will be rolling in their graves.. Fact: Did you know that the Latin language is technically a 'dead language' but still alive in the form of legal terms and scientific nomenclature? Talk about a zombie language!.