NOVEMBER 27, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Life Expectancy Decline Study Findings. Impact: This study caused a ripple effect where, in an alternate timeline, death rates inspired a new trend in the wellness industry focused on 'living your best life'... while still dying early. Who knew that increased mortality would lead to an explosion of overpriced yoga studios?. Fact: Statistically, if you don't eat kale, your life expectancy plummets. Just kidding, but seriously, how many more studies do we need to realize that life expectancy is a complex issue?.
• Headline: Legacy of a Catskills Family Farm Ends. Impact: The decision to sell the family farm set off a chain reaction where hipsters across the country suddenly became obsessed with artisanal farms, driving up avocado prices and leading to the Great Guacamole Crisis of 2025.. Fact: 240 years of farming down the drain, but at least they won't have to worry about the pesky upkeep of a tractor or the existential dread of crop failures... right?.
• Headline: Unraveling the Truth of 'The Irishman'. Impact: The release of 'The Irishman' led to a mass resurgence of interest in organized crime, prompting a series of poorly thought-out mob-themed escape rooms across the nation, where participants invariably ended up Googling 'How to hide a body'.. Fact: Despite the movie's claims, it turns out that the best way to disappear isn't to be a mobster, but rather to simply not show up to family gatherings..
• Headline: Father’s Nazi Past Overtakes German Business Guru. Impact: The revelation about Roland Berger's father sparked a global movement where everyone started questioning their family history, resulting in a dramatic decline in the popularity of family reunions, as no one wanted to find out Uncle Larry was actually a war criminal.. Fact: It's always the seemingly innocent family member that turns out to have a past darker than a black hole. Who knew genealogy could be such a minefield?.