NOVEMBER 26, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kushner's Self-Inclusion in Historical Drama. Impact: Kushner's self-insertion into his play caused a ripple effect, leading to playwrights everywhere believing they could star in their own works. This eventually resulted in a disastrous Broadway show featuring a love triangle between Shakespeare, a toaster, and a confused houseplant.. Fact: Tony Kushner's appearance as a character was a bold move, but it also raised the question: Why hasn't Shakespeare made a cameo in his own tragedies? Maybe he was just too busy being dead..
• Headline: Grassroots Coalition Against Amazon Rises. Impact: The grassroots alliance against Amazon led to an unexpected uprising of neighborhood bookshops, which ironically began selling more e-books than ever, creating a paradox where people started reading physical books again just to be 'rebellious'.. Fact: Activists against Amazon are like ants trying to take down a boot—admirable but ultimately a bit futile, unless they have a secret plan involving a giant shoehorn..
• Headline: U.N. Climate Crisis Report Sparks Urgency. Impact: The U.N. report was like a bad fortune cookie that came true, paving the way for climate talks that resulted in nations agreeing to disagree about the climate, while temperatures continued to rise—talk about a heated debate.. Fact: The U.N. report's bleakness was so intense that even the paper it was printed on felt the need for therapy afterward. Who knew trees could have feelings?.
• Headline: Is It a ‘5’ or a ‘6’? The Answer Could Make an Art Fortune. Impact: The bronze sculpture debate sparked a frenzy that eventually led to art forgeries being created just to mess with collectors. Now, art investors are left wondering if that $10 million piece of junk they bought is actually a priceless treasure or just a really fancy paperweight.. Fact: The dilemma over the sculpture's age could make or break fortunes, proving once again that art is just like that one ex you can’t quite remember the details about—was it good, or just a really expensive mistake?.
• Headline: Minority Voters Chafe as Democratic Candidates Abandon Charter Schools. Impact: The abandonment of charter schools by Democratic candidates sent shockwaves through the education system, leading to a chain reaction where parents started forming secret societies to discuss educational reform over coffee. Who knew politics could brew such strong opinions?. Fact: Minority voters feeling abandoned is like ordering a pizza and getting a salad instead. Sure, it's still food, but where's the satisfaction? And who even ordered the dressing?.