NOVEMBER 23, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Aggressive Defense Strategy Unfolds. Impact: This trial set off a chain reaction of political theatrics, leading to future politicians adopting even more absurd defense tactics, like incorporating interpretive dance to explain their actions. Just wait until the next trial features a dramatic reading of 'Green Eggs and Ham' as a defense strategy.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'I did not have political relations with that report' was almost uttered? Ah, the power of miscommunication!.
• Headline: California’s Cannabis Churches Explained. Impact: The rise of cannabis churches may have inadvertently inspired a whole new genre of religious experience, leading to the establishment of 'Kombucha Cathedrals' and 'Avocado Toast Temples' across the nation, because why not mix spirituality with trendy diets?. Fact: Fun fact: California's cannabis churches have been known to offer 'blessings' that include complimentary edibles. Talk about a high mass!.
• Headline: Roger Federer Joins Swiss Shoe Brand On. Impact: Federer's sneaker venture may very well have sparked a global craze where every retired athlete starts a fashion line, leading to the day when we see O.J. Simpson's 'Juice' brand of sunglasses. Can you say market saturation?. Fact: Did you know that Roger Federer once wore a pair of shoes that cost more than my entire wardrobe? It's hard to play tennis when you're dodging fashion critics!.
• Headline: Byron Allen Spares No One in Accusing Comcast of Racial Bias. Impact: Byron Allen's accusations might just be the catalyst for an entirely new genre of legal battles, where entrepreneurs start naming their companies things like 'Racial Bias Busters' and 'Civil Rights Defenders, LLC.' Watch out, courtroom drama producers!. Fact: Fun fact: In 1866, they didn't have Twitter to air grievances. Imagine the tweets if they did—#RacialBiasBusters would be trending!.
• Headline: Elizabeth Warren Has Done the Hard Part. Now Comes the Harder Part.. Impact: Warren's struggle may just lead to a whole new political science course titled 'How to Climb the Polls Without Losing Your Mind,' which will surely feature guest lectures from former candidates who could teach us all about the art of self-destruction.. Fact: Did you know that 'hard part' is actually political jargon for 'let's hope the internet forgets my embarrassing moments'?.