NOVEMBER 14, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Diplomats Testify Amid Impeachment Proceedings. Impact: In a parallel universe, the circus that was Capitol Hill becomes a real circus, complete with acrobats and lion tamers. Political debates are replaced by juggling acts, and no one seems to notice the difference. Oh, the irony of high-stakes politics becoming a literal sideshow!. Fact: Capitol Hill was originally designed to be a serious place, but with all the drama, it has turned into a reality show that even the Kardashians would envy..
• Headline: Democrats' Strategic Impeachment Outreach. Impact: This event sparked a chain reaction leading to an entire generation of Americans believing that impeaching a president is as common as changing socks. In 2050, the Impeachment Olympics will become a global event, with countries competing to see who can impeach their leader the fastest!. Fact: The term 'high crimes and misdemeanors' sounds so fancy; you'd think it was a menu item at a posh restaurant. 'I'll have the impeachment with a side of scandal, please.'.
• Headline: ‘Baby Shark’ Smells Money Onstage. Impact: The 'Baby Shark' tour leads to a bizarre trend where families start naming their children after viral songs, resulting in a generation filled with kids named 'Despacito' and 'Gummy Bear.' In the future, school attendance rolls will sound like a Spotify playlist.. Fact: ‘Baby Shark’ has been streamed so many times that it’s practically a form of currency now; parents are offering to pay for groceries with ‘Baby Shark’ streams instead of cash..
• Headline: Deval Patrick Makes a Late Bid in the 2020 Presidential Campaign. Impact: Deval Patrick's late entry into the presidential race triggers a domino effect where candidates start appearing on the ballot like surprise guests at a party. By 2024, the election process will resemble a chaotic game of musical chairs.. Fact: Entering the presidential race with less than three months to go is like showing up to a potluck with a bag of chips. Sure, you’re there, but good luck winning the ‘Best Dish’ award!.