OCTOBER 19, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Prepares for Impeachment Trial. Impact: McConnell's indecision on impeachment sparked an entire generation of Americans to develop a newfound interest in political drama, leading to increased viewership of reality TV where people are actually just being themselves—so really, did we win or lose?. Fact: Senate chambers have more drama than your average soap opera, but with fewer plot twists and more turtle-like pacing..
• Headline: Cameron Douglas: Memoir of Redemption. Impact: Cameron Douglas’s fall from grace inadvertently inspired a new genre of 'privilege to prison' memoirs, leading to a lucrative market for tales of rich kids finding themselves in the slammer—because who doesn't want to hear about privilege being squandered?. Fact: Michael Douglas once played a character who lost everything in 'Wall Street', proving that art truly does imitate life, or at least the lives of those who can afford the ticket..
• Headline: Inuit Art's Struggle in Canada. Impact: The failure of art to save Canada's Inuit communities led to the rise of a new movement: 'Let’s just keep giving them art while ignoring the real problems.' Spoiler alert: it's still not working.. Fact: The starving artist trope is cute until you realize that some artists are literally starving—turns out, art doesn't come with a side of social justice..
• Headline: Boris Johnson Sends Letter to E.U. Asking for Brexit Delay. Impact: Boris Johnson's plea for a Brexit delay set off a chain reaction where every future political leader would look to him as the gold standard for procrastination. 'Why solve problems today when you can just delay them indefinitely?' became a new mantra.. Fact: Asking for a delay is just a polite way of saying, 'I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m hoping it magically sorts itself out.'.
• Headline: TikTok Clubs in High School? It Was a Thing.. Impact: The rise of TikTok clubs in schools led to an influx of students who think their 30-second dance videos are the pinnacle of artistic expression, resulting in a generation that believes fame can be achieved by simply lip-syncing to popular songs. Thanks, social media!. Fact: Teachers approved TikTok clubs, likely in hopes that students would finally learn something from the app—like how to actually interact with real humans instead of just through a screen..