OCTOBER 13, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: White Guilt and the 2020 Democratic Primary. Impact: The Democratic primary of 2020 saw candidates bending over backwards to pander to white liberals. This led to an unprecedented rise in 'performative activism,' where attendees at rallies were more concerned about their Instagram stories than actual policy changes. In 2025, this trend resulted in a new political party being formed entirely of social media influencers.. Fact: Did you know that 'white guilt' was actually invented by a group of hipsters in Brooklyn who wanted to feel better about their avocado toast habits?.
• Headline: Utah's Remarkable Film Industry Impact. Impact: As Hollywood's influence in Utah grew, it created a rift between traditional film and the wholesome content produced by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This led to a bizarre crossover where exorcism movies got new endings where everyone just prayed it away instead. By 2025, we had the first-ever 'Holywood' film festival featuring films solely about baked goods and benevolent miracles.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing that can ruin a film in Utah is an R-rating. Apparently, the real horror is in the ratings board..
• Headline: Kurds Shift Alliances Amid Turkish Threat. Impact: The Kurds, once abandoned, found themselves navigating a new alliance with Russian-backed forces. This bizarre partnership inadvertently led to the creation of a new reality show titled 'Syria's Got Allies,' where historical rivalries were resolved through competitive cook-offs. Who knew geopolitics could taste so good?. Fact: Did you know that the Kurds have been so loyal to the U.S. that their unofficial national anthem is 'Stand By Me'—but now they’re starting to feel like it’s more of a karaoke night gone wrong?.
• Headline: Pullback Leaves Green Berets Feeling ‘Ashamed,’ and Kurdish Allies Describing ‘Betrayal’. Impact: The decision to pull back U.S. troops from Syria caused a chain reaction that led to a series of coffee shop debates across America, where every barista suddenly became an armchair general. By 2022, there was a nationwide trend of people ordering their lattes with a side of foreign policy discussion—and the espresso was always 'dark roast.'. Fact: It's a little-known fact that the Green Berets have a secret menu item at Starbucks for when they feel ashamed: a 'Betrayal Brew'—it’s just really bitter coffee..
• Headline: A Play About God and Trump, From a Writer Raised on the Right. Impact: The play 'Heroes of the Fourth Turning' opened a dialogue about conservative beliefs, which, in turn, inspired a wave of hipster plays titled 'Heroes of the Fifth Turning' that focused on existential crises and avocado toast. By 2026, Broadway was dominated by existential angst and puns about millennials.. Fact: Did you know that the writer, Will Arbery, is basically the Shakespeare of the conservative Catholic world? His plays are like a rosary—only more dramatic and with fewer beads!.