SEPTEMBER 22, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rohingya Children's Future in Jeopardy. Impact: The cutbacks led to a butterfly effect of confusion in international relations, causing the U.S. to accidentally invite a bunch of confused penguins to the next UN meeting. Who knew isolation could lead to a flippered diplomatic crisis?. Fact: Did you know that the Rohingya are often referred to as the world's most persecuted minority? But hey, who needs compassion when you can have apathy, right?.
• Headline: M.I.T. Media Lab's Troubling Food Project Claims. Impact: The scandal caused a ripple effect where universities began to hire only cat-loving, vegan directors to avoid any potential Epstein-like controversies. Because nothing says 'safe environment' like a room full of purring distractions.. Fact: Fun fact: The Media Lab was once a beacon of innovation, until it became a reality show plot twist. Who needs actual research when you have scandalous narratives?.
• Headline: Bob Iger: Disney's Resilient Leader. Impact: Bob Iger’s success in Hollywood led to an unforeseen increase in the number of people trying to become Disney princesses, resulting in a massive shortage of tiaras and a spike in glitter-related injuries.. Fact: Fun fact: Bob Iger was named one of the 'Most Powerful People in Hollywood.' I guess that means he has the power to make or break your childhood memories!.
• Headline: Antonio Brown Says He Is Done With the N.F.L.. Impact: Antonio Brown's departure from the NFL resulted in a sudden uptick in the popularity of backyard football, as fans realized they could throw a ball without the drama of a celebrity meltdown.. Fact: Did you know that Antonio Brown once had the chance to be a Hall of Famer? And now, he’s just a Hall of Fame 'What Could Have Been'..
• Headline: Poor Schools Keep Getting Crushed in Football. Is It Time to Level the Playing Field?. Impact: The push for equity in school sports led to a bizarre future where schools started forming alliances with local businesses to sponsor their teams, turning high school football into a corporate showdown of epic proportions.. Fact: Did you know that football is often considered a way to bring communities together? Not if you're playing against a team that can afford a private jet, apparently!.