SEPTEMBER 13, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Proposed Flavored E-Cigarette Ban. Impact: If flavored e-cigarettes had been banned sooner, we'd all be living in a world where people are actually smoking real cigarettes again, which would have sent the tobacco industry into a nostalgic frenzy. Thanks, mint-flavored clouds of doom!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more addictive than flavored e-cigarettes is the bureaucratic process of getting a ban passed? It's like watching paint dry, but with more nicotine and fewer flavors!.
• Headline: Tent Courts: A New Approach to Immigration. Impact: Tent courts could have inspired a new trend in outdoor justice, leading to a future where all court cases are handled in cozy camping environments—think 'Judge Judy' meets 'Survivor'.. Fact: Did you know that if you add a campfire and some s'mores, the judicial process might actually be more enjoyable? Too bad the law doesn't come with marshmallows!.
• Headline: Debate Highlights Biden's Obama Connection. Impact: The ongoing debate over the Obama legacy could lead to a future where politicians are judged not by their current policies but by how well they can quote the past. Welcome to the Age of Historical Karaoke!. Fact: Did you know that invoking Obama’s name in a debate is like summoning a political ghost? The only thing missing is a Ouija board to figure out what he would actually do!.
• Headline: Zingers, Groaners and a Trump Pile-On: ‘That’s Called the Democratic Primary’. Impact: The Democratic primary debate could set the precedent for future political debates to become more like reality TV shows, where the winner gets a contract for a spin-off series titled 'Politicians Gone Wild'.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more entertaining than a political debate is a reality show about the aftermath of the debates? Spoiler: there's a lot of crying and dramatic exits!.