SEPTEMBER 10, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Retailers Navigate Gun Policies Carefully. Impact: This polite request led to an underground movement where shoppers began carrying oversized novelty weapons, like foam swords, which somehow became a new trend in grocery shopping. Imagine the chaos at the self-checkout with a foam sword-wielding grandma!. Fact: Did you know that in some states, it's perfectly legal to carry a concealed weapon but asking someone to not do it is considered 'political correctness'? Welcome to America, where logic goes to die!.
• Headline: California Labor Bill Challenges Gig Economy. Impact: The bill's passage resulted in a sudden surge of Uber drivers becoming baristas, leading to a nationwide coffee shortage. Little did we know that the key to solving California's labor issues would be a latte.. Fact: Did you know that Uber drivers often moonlight as philosophers? They spend hours pondering the meaning of life while stuck in traffic, all for the sake of a few extra bucks!.
• Headline: Federal Investigation into Taxi Industry Loans. Impact: This investigation sparked a nationwide 'How to Get Rich Quick' seminar industry, where people learned that the secret to wealth is simply to ask for more money than they make. Spoiler: it didn’t work out well for most.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of finance, asking for a loan is like asking your parents for money? It’s awkward, and you’re usually met with a lot of scrutiny!.
• Headline: ‘The Undying,’ an Extraordinary and Furious New Memoir About Cancer. Impact: This memoir inspired a global movement where people began sharing their own health struggles, unintentionally creating a new genre: 'Suffering Literature.' Who knew that misery could be so marketable?. Fact: Did you know that memoirs about cancer have a way of making you feel both inspired and guilty for binge-watching Netflix? Talk about a literary guilt trip!.
• Headline: ‘The Institute’ Might Be Stephen King’s Scariest Novel Yet. Impact: The novel's eerie premise led to a spike in people avoiding ordinary folks, leading to an increase in social anxiety and a shortage of therapy sessions. Thanks, Stephen King, for making us paranoid of our neighbors!. Fact: Did you know that Stephen King once wrote a book about a haunted typewriter? It didn’t sell well—guess people prefer their horror to be a little less...literary!.