SEPTEMBER 6, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fort Campbell School Funding Diverted. Impact: The decision to divert funds led to an epic shortage of educational facilities, causing the future generation of Americans to wonder if learning could be done via TikTok instead of in classrooms. Eventually, the country gave up on education altogether and just started teaching kids how to build walls.. Fact: Did you know that the average middle schooler can fit into a locker? It’s a good thing they won’t be doing that in a brand-new school anytime soon..
• Headline: Pinter's Betrayal: A Modern Love Triangle. Impact: This riveting performance caused a ripple effect in the entertainment industry, inspiring countless love triangles in sitcoms. By 2030, love triangles became so overused that they were replaced with love polygons, leading to a dramatic rise in geometry majors.. Fact: Did you know that love triangles are just like actual triangles? They all have points, but only some can actually achieve closure!.
• Headline: Robert Mugabe: Zimbabwe's Enduring Leader. Impact: Mugabe’s death triggered a power vacuum that led to one of the most ambitious game shows in Africa: 'Who Wants to Be a Dictator?' The show was a hit but had an unfortunate tendency to end with the contestants mysteriously disappearing.. Fact: Mugabe was in power for 37 years—longer than most people can stand a bad haircut. Now that’s commitment!.
• Headline: What Draws Atheists, Jews and Catholics to a Presbyterian Church. Impact: The unusual congregation sparked a theological revolution, leading to a new trend of interfaith potlucks where everyone argued about who brought the best kugel. By 2025, faith-based cooking shows became the hottest new genre.. Fact: Did you know that social justice is just code for 'everyone gets a piece of the pie'? Hope you like your pie with a side of environmental awareness!.