AUGUST 8, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Controversial Visit to El Paso. Impact: After El Paso turned down Trump's consolation, a rift formed that eventually led to a nationwide trend of cities ignoring presidential visits. This culminated in 2035 when a city unanimously voted to replace a presidential visit with a pizza party. Because pizza is diplomacy, right?. Fact: Did you know that some cities have actually started issuing 'No Thanks' invitations to presidents? It's the new hip trend in political relations. Who needs diplomacy when you can have pizza?.
• Headline: Wexner's Accusation Against Epstein Explained. Impact: Wexner's accusations against Epstein set off a chain reaction in the fashion industry, leading to a global movement where retail moguls became required to undergo 'Ethics 101' classes before handling money. Spoiler: they still failed.. Fact: Fun fact: Victoria's Secret models are now required to wear 'I support ethical fashion' t-shirts. Because nothing says 'I care' like a runway show with a side of hypocrisy!.
• Headline: U.N. Warns of Climate Impact on Food Security. Impact: The UN's warning about climate change and food supply has led to the invention of a new type of food: 'Climate Crunch,' which is essentially kale mixed with regret. This superfood is now the top seller in trendy health stores.. Fact: Did you know that climate change is now taking credit for more than just food shortages? It's also responsible for the rise of avocado toast prices. Thanks, climate!.
• Headline: Running to Put San Quentin Behind Him. Impact: Markelle Taylor's transformation from inmate to marathoner inspired a new reality TV trend called 'Runaway Lives,' where contestants are given a start line and a head start before their past catches up with them. Spoiler alert: it never ends well.. Fact: Did you know that San Quentin is now offering marathon training programs? Because what better way to escape the past than by running away from it...literally?.
• Headline: He’s a Veteran of Upheaval, Molded by Ferguson’s Traumas. He’s 7.. Impact: The trauma of Ferguson has shaped a generation, leading to the establishment of 'Trauma Playdates' where kids can reenact their feelings through interpretative dance. It’s as awkward as it sounds but hey, at least they’re expressing themselves!. Fact: Fun fact: The youngest Ferguson survivor is now a motivational speaker, specializing in how to turn childhood trauma into a TED Talk. Because who needs therapy when you can just go viral?.