JULY 28, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brazil's Deforestation Crisis Under Bolsonaro. Impact: The deforestation in the Amazon led to a global shortage of fresh air, causing people to start wearing oxygen tanks as fashion accessories by 2035. Who knew that cutting down trees could lead to a spike in haute couture?. Fact: Did you know that trees are like the planet's lungs? So, if you ever wanted to live in a world where breathing becomes a luxury, just follow Bolsonaro's lead!.
• Headline: Revitalizing Triathlons for Younger Generations. Impact: The decline in triathlon membership resulted in a new trend where people decided that watching others exercise was much more entertaining—leading to the rise of 'Couch-a-thlons' by 2025, where participants compete in binge-watching series.. Fact: Did you know that triathlons were originally invented to make sure no one ever had a good excuse to skip leg day? Now, they're just another way to get sweaty for no reason!.
• Headline: Democratic Divides Ahead of 2020 Elections. Impact: The Democrats' struggle for consensus led to an unexpected alliance with aliens in 2024, who arrived to teach Earthlings how to negotiate effectively—unfortunately, they were just as confused.. Fact: Did you know that political consensus is just a fancy way of saying 'let's all agree to disagree until we forget what we were arguing about?'.
• Headline: At the Fortnite World Cup, Slurp Juice, Zip Lines and a Teenage Millionaire Winner. Impact: The Fortnite World Cup sparked a global debate over whether video games should be classified as sports, leading to a new Olympic category by 2032 where players compete in playing video games while doing yoga.. Fact: Did you know that $3 million for a 16-year-old winner is basically the equivalent of giving them a license to become the world's youngest millionaire and the world's oldest child at the same time?.