JULY 17, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Takes Aim at 'The Squad' in 2020. Impact: In an alternate universe, Pelosi and the Squad actually eloped, leading to a Democratic Party that became a reality TV show, drawing in millions of viewers and completely altering the landscape of political engagement. The Kardashians would have been elected to Congress, and we’d be voting via TikTok polls.. Fact: The Squad could have been called 'The Avengers of Progressivism', but I guess they were too busy saving the world to think of a catchy name..
• Headline: Remembering Justice John Paul Stevens. Impact: Stevens' passing triggered a series of judicial appointments that ultimately led to a Supreme Court that decided to rule on a case about whether or not pizza is considered a vegetable, fracturing the American diet forever.. Fact: John Paul Stevens was 99 when he died, proving that even the most liberal of justices couldn't quite figure out how to overturn time itself..
• Headline: Google Glass May Have an Afterlife as a Device to Teach Autistic Children. Impact: If Google Glass had succeeded, we might have ended up in a dystopian future where everyone was too busy live-streaming their lives to notice that we were being governed by sentient AI. 'Hey, look at me eating lunch!' would have been the new political debate.. Fact: Imagine teaching autistic children to recognize emotions with a device that failed to recognize its own existence. Truly, a case of the blind leading the blind..
• Headline: ‘Orange Is the New Black’ Taught Us What Netflix Was For. Impact: With 'Orange Is the New Black' paving the way, streaming services would eventually lead to a reality where all TV shows became prison dramas, and everyone was either in jail or trying to escape from their boring suburban lives. Reality TV would have literally taken on a new meaning.. Fact: Netflix's big reveal was that they were just waiting for a prison drama to make all of our binge-watching feel like we were doing something meaningful with our lives. Spoiler alert: we weren’t..