JULY 5, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Fourth of July Celebration Highlights. Impact: Trump's speech inspired a new generation of M.C.s who now think they can host events with the same charisma as a cardboard cutout. This led to a spike in event planning courses across the nation, most notably 'How to Make Flags Interesting'.. Fact: Did you know that the Fourth of July was originally celebrated with fireworks and a lot less tweeting? Imagine the chaos if Twitter was around back then!.
• Headline: Redistricting Battles Shape 2020 Elections. Impact: The battle for political maps has led to a new sport called 'Map-a-Palooza', where politicians compete in drawing the most bizarre district lines. The winner gets free coffee for life and a lifetime supply of redistricting complaints.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'gerrymandering' comes from Governor Elbridge Gerry, who once created a district that looked like a salamander. Who knew politics could be so... amphibious?.
• Headline: NATO Considers Missile Defense Enhancements. Impact: NATO's missile defense upgrade inadvertently led to the invention of inflatable missiles as a peace gesture. Now, countries can throw parties instead of missiles, complete with balloon animals.. Fact: Did you know that NATO was originally formed to counter the Soviet threat? Now they just counter each other with passive-aggressive emails!.
• Headline: ‘This Old House’ Turns 40. Impact: The 40th anniversary of 'This Old House' kicked off a renaissance in DIY home renovation shows, leading to a surge in people attempting home repairs and subsequently creating a new trend: 'Home DIY Fails' videos.. Fact: Did you know that 'This Old House' has inspired more people to pick up tools than any IKEA assembly manual? At least they don't require a degree in architecture to follow!.