JUNE 6, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cybersecurity Challenges in Presidential Elections. Impact: This headline will lead to a future where every election is run by overworked IT specialists who are convinced that the real enemy is a rogue cat meme. As cybersecurity measures increase, so do the number of conspiracy theories about a secret society of hackers living in the basement of the Capitol.. Fact: Did you know that instead of focusing on cybersecurity, some politicians just hire psychic mediums to predict voter sentiment? It’s way cheaper and less complicated!.
• Headline: Hootie & the Blowfish Revisited. Impact: The resurgence of Hootie & the Blowfish will inspire a new wave of 90s nostalgia, leading to a bizarre trend where people start wearing cargo shorts and puka shell necklaces again, culminating in a national crisis over what 'alternative rock' really means.. Fact: Fun fact: Hootie is actually a nickname for the lead singer, Darius Rucker. Why not just call him 'The Blowfish'? It sounds way cooler!.
• Headline: Auto Industry Alliances Amid Crisis. Impact: As the car industry struggles, it sets off a chain reaction where robots take over factory jobs, leading to an apocalypse where people are forced to learn how to walk again because their self-driving cars have unionized.. Fact: Did you know that Henry Ford once said, 'Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right'? Well, he definitely couldn't see this mess coming!.
• Headline: Mexico and the U.S. Have Made Progress Toward Averting Tariffs. Impact: The negotiations on tariffs will eventually lead to the creation of a secret society of taco enthusiasts who, in an effort to keep their food affordable, will overthrow the government and establish Taco Town as the first taco-based utopia.. Fact: Did you know that tariffs sound like a great idea to economists until they realize no one likes paying extra for guacamole? Suddenly, it's a crisis!.
• Headline: Stonewall Riot Apology: Police Actions Were ‘Wrong,’ Commissioner Admits. Impact: The apology for the Stonewall Riots will spark a worldwide movement for police accountability, leading to a future where cops are required to take sensitivity training taught by drag queens. The world will be a much more fabulous place.. Fact: The Stonewall Riots were so pivotal that they basically launched the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. Talk about a history-making night out!.