MAY 23, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating Sy Presten's Legacy. Impact: Sy Presten's 95th birthday party was so great that every press agent since has tried to replicate it, leading to countless disastrous events where no one shows up because they thought it was just a publicity stunt.. Fact: In the world of publicity, there’s a fine line between ‘great press’ and ‘pressing charges’—but nobody seems to know where it is!.
• Headline: Reparations for Slavery in 2019. Impact: This discussion sparked a movement that sent shockwaves through future political discourse, where even the phrase 'economic amends' became a popular hashtag used by influencers trying to sell organic kale.. Fact: Reparations discussions are so old-school that they could have been a subplot in a Dickens novel—except Dickens probably would have given them a happier ending..
• Headline: Hollywood's Dilemma Over Georgia Abortion Law. Impact: The tension created by this law led to a bizarre future where movie stars start filming in Antarctica just to avoid political drama—after all, who wouldn’t want to shoot a romantic comedy on a glacier?. Fact: Georgia's film industry is so big that if you stand still long enough, you might find yourself cast as 'generic background character' in the next blockbuster..
• Headline: My Rapist Apologized. Impact: This powerful moment inspired a surge of conversations around consent, leading to future generations of men who think an apology is a substitute for accountability—spoiler alert: it’s not.. Fact: The phrase 'I'm sorry' is often said to be one of the most powerful phrases in the English language, right up there with 'I love you' and 'I forgot your birthday.'.
• Headline: Trump Gives Farmers $16 Billion in Aid Amid Prolonged China Trade War. Impact: This decision led to a future where farmers become the most sought-after political advisors, resulting in a presidential campaign solely based on corn prices and tractor aesthetics.. Fact: It's said that in politics, money talks—but in farming, it’s more about what the corn whispers when no one’s listening..