MAY 13, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Trade War Impact Analyzed. Impact: As the trade war escalated, a butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, causing a drought that led to the invention of the world's first gluten-free, vegan, soy-based pizza. You're welcome, hipsters.. Fact: Did you know that trade wars are like real wars, but with more paperwork and fewer explosions? Welcome to the age of economic conflict!.
• Headline: Decline of Black Players in College Baseball. Impact: The decline of African-American baseball players led to the rise of competitive knitting leagues at historically black colleges. Who knew yarn could become the new home run?. Fact: Did you know baseball was once known as America's pastime? Now it seems like it’s more of a 'pass-time'... if you catch my drift..
• Headline: Cities Court Refugees Amid Policy Changes. Impact: Desperate cities wooing refugees inadvertently sparked a trend of urban gardening, leading to a nationwide obsession with homegrown avocado toast. Thanks, Trump!. Fact: Did you know that 'woos' can sometimes be more effective than 'wars'? Just ask any desperate city looking to boost its population!.
• Headline: Jerrod Carmichael Is Ready to Get Personal (to a Degree). Impact: Jerrod Carmichael's personal storytelling inspired a wave of comedians to divulge family secrets, resulting in a nationwide trend of 'comedic therapy sessions' that are now available at your local coffee shop.. Fact: Did you know that sharing family history can be like a treasure hunt? Except instead of gold, you find awkward moments and questionable life choices..