APRIL 28, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biden and Obama's Evolving Partnership. Impact: Had Obama simply encouraged Biden to run in 2016, we might be living in an alternate universe where the 'Obiden' administration is using telepathic communication, and everyone rides around on hoverboards. But alas, we got a different sequel instead.. Fact: Their relationship is so strong that if they were a sitcom, they’d definitely get renewed for multiple seasons, despite the occasional awkward family dinner..
• Headline: Biden's Crucial Support in Pennsylvania. Impact: This support led to Biden's campaign being compared to a game of Whack-a-Mole—every time he felt down, someone popped up to cheer him on, allowing him to craft a narrative of resilience that historians will surely analyze for centuries.. Fact: Pennsylvania has more people than there are actual cheesesteaks. Clearly, they're not all that picky when it comes to their choices..
• Headline: Barr Threatens Not to Testify Before House, but Democrats May Subpoena Him. Impact: If Barr had simply shown up and answered questions, the trajectory of political discourse might have shifted to discussing how many hot dogs he could eat in one sitting. Instead, we got another chapter in the ongoing saga of 'Who Can Avoid the Spotlight the Longest?'.. Fact: Subpoenas are basically the adult version of 'I dare you'—and just like in childhood games, some people really take that challenge seriously..
• Headline: ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Shows Movie Theaters Can Still Be on Top of the World. Impact: The success of 'Endgame' not only solidified the superhero genre but also led to a global increase in popcorn consumption, making it the most successful butter-flavored product since the invention of the microwave.. Fact: If you played 'Avengers: Endgame' backwards, it would just be a bunch of superheroes finding creative ways to undo their mistakes—much like any sequel in Hollywood..