MARCH 31, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: New York State Budget Reform 2023. Impact: Thanks to congestion pricing, future New Yorkers will have to start charging their friends for the privilege of sitting in traffic together. Also, the plastic bag ban will lead to a resurgence of tote bag fashion, creating a new generation of hipsters who think they're saving the world. But really, they're just carrying their kale in style.. Fact: Did you know that in 2021, New York's budget was so complex that even the Statue of Liberty considered hiring a financial advisor?.
• Headline: The Legend of Zion Williamson. Impact: Zion Williamson's legend will inspire future generations of basketball players to take up the sport, eventually leading to a dystopian future where basketball is the only recognized currency, and slam dunks become the ultimate form of communication.. Fact: Did you know that Zion's vertical leap is so impressive that NASA considered using him to test anti-gravity technology?.
• Headline: Bret Easton Ellis Has Calmed Down. He Thinks You Should, Too.. Impact: Bret Easton Ellis calming down will create a ripple effect where future authors will feel pressure to behave, resulting in a literary world devoid of wild parties and poor life choices. Everyone will start writing about their feelings instead of their vices, and the book market will collapse under the weight of ennui.. Fact: Did you know that the last time an author calmed down, the universe temporarily lost its sense of humor?.
• Headline: ‘Breaches Everywhere’: Flooding Bursts Midwest Levees, and Tough Questions Follow. Impact: The flooding will lead to a nationwide panic over climate change, causing every homeowner to become an amateur weather scientist. The influx of DIY flood-proofing kits will inadvertently cause a rise in home improvement injuries, making hospitals the real winners of this disaster.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'Swiss cheese infrastructure' was actually coined by a cheese lover who couldn't decide between a sandwich and flood prevention?.