MARCH 24, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Luring Bryce Harper to the Phillies. Impact: If Bryce Harper hadn’t signed with the Phillies, the entire Pennsylvania economy might have collapsed from the weight of fan disappointment. Who knew a baseball contract could hold such power? Next thing you know, the state might have declared bankruptcy due to a lack of home runs.. Fact: Did you know that the average baseball fan spends more time arguing about contracts than actually watching games? It's a sport in itself!.
• Headline: Venture Capitalist Spotlight in Silicon Valley. Impact: The rise of venture capitalists wanting to be in the spotlight has led to an unprecedented increase in selfies taken in front of tech start-ups. This has caused a worldwide shortage of good lighting, as well as a rise in 'influencer' culture, which has ultimately led to more people believing they can monetize their cats.. Fact: Hey, did you know that 'Venture Capitalist' is just a fancy title for 'Professional Risk-Taker'? Because who wouldn’t want to gamble with someone else's money?.
• Headline: Video Games Address Mental Health Challenges. Impact: The introduction of video games focusing on mental health might just lead to the first virtual therapist—an AI that you can blame for your problems instead of your childhood. Soon, therapists will be replaced by avatars, and couch time will involve a PlayStation controller.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing gamers have more of than mental health issues are excuses for why they can't go outside? Just sayin'..
• Headline: Why Lupita Nyong’o’s ‘Us’ Voice Sounds So Creepy. Impact: Lupita Nyong'o’s haunting voice in 'Us' has inspired a generation of aspiring actors to start practicing their creepy tones in the shower, leading to a significant increase in water bill complaints. Little do people know, this could eventually lead to the revival of the horror genre in theater. Thanks, Lupita!. Fact: Did you know that actors often have to practice creepy voices for roles? It’s the only time making weird sounds in public is socially acceptable—unless you’re at a family gathering, then it's just called 'being yourself'..
• Headline: Mueller Finds No Trump-Russia Conspiracy, but Stops Short of Exonerating President on Obstruction. Impact: The Mueller report not exonerating Trump on obstruction has created a new reality where conspiracy theorists gained a second wind. This has ultimately led to more YouTube videos claiming the moon landing was staged due to a lack of definitive answers, proving that ambiguity fuels wild imaginations.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more convoluted than the Mueller report is the average politician's explanation of their tax returns? It's like watching a magic show without the magic..