MARCH 6, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Checks to Cohen Uncovered. Impact: This moment of multitasking led to a new trend in politics where leaders start sending 'thank you' checks to their former lawyers, creating a black market for legal services among politicians. Soon, every lawyer in D.C. was wearing a tuxedo to work, just in case a high-profile client needed to express gratitude.. Fact: Did you know that sending checks can be a great way to keep shady business dealings under the radar? Just ask any politician—oh wait, they'll probably just deny it!.
• Headline: Review of 'Triple Frontier' Movie. Impact: The release of this film sparked a global movement where men decided their missions were to grow beards and wear flannel, leading to a massive increase in lumberjack-themed festivals worldwide. Ironically, no one actually knows how to chop wood.. Fact: Fun fact: Ben Affleck and Oscar Isaac could have starred in a documentary about how to make bad decisions instead of a heist movie, but where’s the fun in that?.
• Headline: U.S.-E.U. Trade Tensions Rise Over Agriculture. Impact: The ensuing food fight led to the introduction of a new international sport called 'Trade Wrestling', where diplomats throw food at each other to resolve disputes. Surprisingly, it became more popular than actual trade agreements.. Fact: Did you know that food fights have been scientifically proven to be less messy than U.S.-E.U. negotiations? At least the food is edible!.
• Headline: Angling for a Whopper in the Fly-Fishing Paradise of Patagonia. Impact: This angling adventure inspired a new reality show where contestants must catch the biggest fish while avoiding existential crises. Ratings soared, and fishing rods became the latest fashion accessory—because who doesn’t want to look outdoorsy without actually leaving the couch?. Fact: Did you know that in Patagonia, the fish might be bigger, but the chances of actually catching one are still about as good as finding a unicorn? Good luck!.
• Headline: A Mother and Daughter Both Have H.I.V. The U.S. Lets in Only One.. Impact: This tragic event triggered a ripple through immigration policies, leading to the creation of an absurdly complicated algorithm that calculates who gets in based on the color of their shoes and their favorite ice cream flavor. It remains as effective as a chocolate teapot.. Fact: Did you know that immigration laws can be so convoluted they make a Rubik's Cube look like a children's puzzle? Just think of the poor souls trying to navigate that maze!.