MARCH 5, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Evaluating the Cost of Trump's Trade War. Impact: As tariffs rolled back like a bad movie sequel, businesses began to thrive again, creating an unprecedented rise in avocado toast prices. History shows that a happy avocado can lead to a surge in brunch spots worldwide, forever changing weekend plans.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than trade agreements is trying to explain them at a dinner party? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: HBO's New Leader: Challenges Ahead. Impact: The appointment of a new HBO boss sparked an era where every network desperately tried to outdo each other with increasingly bizarre content, leading to a future where pet reality shows dominate prime time. Spoiler alert: Fluffy wins.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time someone said, 'I like a challenge,' they ended up inventing a game that's 90% frustration and 10% fun. Good luck, HBO!.
• Headline: Senate Challenges Trump's Emergency Declaration. Impact: This moment marked the beginning of a trend where political leaders learned that emergency declarations can be as effective as a wet paper towel in a rainstorm. It led to the invention of a new board game called 'Emergency or Not?' that nobody wanted to play.. Fact: Did you know that the Senate's approval ratings are so low they could make a limbo contest look like a high jump competition? Just saying..
• Headline: Facing Slowing Economic Growth, China’s Premier Promises Relief for Business. Impact: Li Keqiang's promises to relieve business burdens resulted in an odd phenomenon where businesses became lighter and floated away, leading to the unexpected rise of floating markets and a new trend in 'business yoga'.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'struggle ahead' is just code for 'we’re all in this together, but I’m definitely taking the last donut'?.